You Deserved It

When my granddaughter was about 6 months old, I looked into her little face and saw myself looking back at me. Time stopped as we sat there and stared at each other.

I swear she was looking at me from the inside out.

I wonder if she sensed something, too, because I kept catching her staring at me the rest of our visit. And every time I did, my heart skipped.

It was about more than just having a little replica of me - although that is amazing. Seeing me in Libby and her innocence started dismantling shame in me like nothing before.

As Libby was, so was I.

When she turned 3, the age of my earliest memory of abuse, I realized that I also had been completely and utterly innocent. That same complete and utter innocence, sweetness, and lovability I saw in Libby, was present in me too.

There was no need for shame. Even with

the template it set over my life,

the twisted identity it engraved on my soul,

every lie that became part of who I thought I was ...

none of it was my fault and or my shame.

I deserved to be

loved and nurtured,

held and heard,

comforted and protected.

Simply because I was.

The Good Father is using my love for Libby to heal shame in me. I can't explain it except that I, somehow, someway, love myself when I love her. Every time I nurture her, I nurture my little girl soul. Every time I cherish her, the redeeming power of Love goes back in time, and something deep in my core heals.

You deserved the same, Sweet One. And you sill do.

You were born beautiful, valuable, and needy. If the adults in your life didn't meet or perverted those needs out of their own disease or lack, you still deserved to be loved and nurtured.

So my prayer is:

Jesus, go back and fix it. Fix every place of brokenness. Heal every distorted sense of self.

Go back to every place of loss and lack, touch it with your nail-scarred hands, and paint it new colors of hope and healing. Give us eyes to see our needs and the innocence of those needs. Then fill it with your love.

Help us realize our incredible value and worth. Help us see ourselves as you see us.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

“The healing of shame begins and ends in the experience of being known”

The Soul Of Shame, Curt Thompson, MD